Future of Mississippi Beaches?
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Manual for Making the most of a Gulf Coast Dead Sea
A satire by Laura Burge
1. Mississippians can profit from excessive salt by building many new boat yards. Boat and shipbuilding will soar as hulls rust to oblivion from excessively salty water.
2. Mississippians can profit from labs conducting new paint and latex research in boat paints. New frontiers in science will open up as people try to find new and better products to save their sea going vessels from the salty cancer-type fate.
3. Mississippians can profit from…(Lets just go whole hog here!) Why not open the Gulf waters off of Horn Island for dumping? We can establish a National Dump where anything metal is welcome … for a price. The waters should be so salty that they will probably rust all metals in a matter of weeks or months. Just think of what this would save the overburdened landfills of the country!
4. Mississippians can profit by building fertilizer factories. Chin up fisherman! All you will have to do is walk along the beaches dragging your nets. Think of all the dead fish and other sea life you can collect. There is quite a market for stinky fish fertilizer and it’s organic! Very environmentally friendly!
5 Mississippians can profit by opening new and better textile factories. Since salt is such a huge factor in setting dye, salty water could just be pumped right in from the Gulf. The dye in the fabric could end up being so indestructible that we could gain world fame in the fashion industry and maybe even compete with Paris, France.
6. Mississippians can profit by opening several respiratory mask factories coupled with gas mask factories. With all the die-off of sea life, it may get quite hard to breath, especially for people with delicate allergies. With such a demand for these products, why bother shipping to China for them? Make them right here bringing more jobs into Mississippi.
7. Mississippians can profit by opening newer and better boat motor factories. Boat motors that break down in half their lifetime can be reengineered to last almost as long as they did before the sea turned to pure salt.
8. Mississippians can profit from tourism. Once we got past the fish die-off, the over-salty gulf waters would be easier to swim in. The saltier the water the easier it is to stay afloat and the safer it is for children and the elderly.
9. Mississippians can profit by opening organic and natural-foods companies. Sea salt is supposedly healthier for people than table salt. Well, if it’s one thing we’ll have plenty of it’s sea salt! We won’t even have to anger PETA by killing fish. They’ll just come floating right up to the surface on their own. Manna from Heaven!
10. Mississippians could profit from simply being remembered. Since salt is such a good preservative many specimens of coastal sea life may end up fossilized. We could one day be in the universal book of world records for having the most numerous sea fossils ever recorded in the shortest period of time.
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